(The light trying to push through the haze on Christmas Day.)
I have spent a lot of time reflecting on 2009. For as much beauty as it held, there was also a lot of pain. It was my first entire year without my father physically present in my life. And while I have given myself a homework assignment of really really trying to just BE in the moment, I am only human. I do make a conscious effort every single day to live in the present, but it's tricky. My past involves a beautiful man who gave me beautiful memories and left an imprint on my life so large that some days I fear this heartache will be forever unrelenting.
There are moments where I truly do take in all that I have on this earth. The blessings that still exist in my day to day life. But it's in those moments that my father blurs and I can't bring him into focus. I can't tell you what it's like to walk into my house and not remember what it was like to have him there. Those are the moments that the guilt creeps in and the tears flood and the "I'm sorry's" begin. However there are the times when the present moment fades and I can pull him into full clarity. I can recall every shade of gray in his beard, the gentle tones of his voice, the smell of Tobacco Flower in his cologne. And I want to stay because he's there and it's all I have left of him.
I have had to establish a new relationship with my father this past year. One that has no physical connection. I have had to learn that it's okay to flip back and forth between the past and the present because beauty exists in both. In some moments there is the space between where both are fully transparent and those are the moments I soak in and am so so very thankful for.
I have much hope for 2010. I have been given opportunities to do things this year that I wouldn't have ever dreamed of. I know that no matter what I do, it will be done with all of my being. After all, I need to make my father proud...
Happy New Year with Love,
Krysta
1 comment:
Beautiful post Krysta. You miss him so much don't you...my heart aches for you. The heartache will never go away only lessen a bit each day. Right now it takes your breath away someday it will just just be there and the tears will turn into a sweet smile remembering his love. Without knowing you or your father, I can say without a doubt you have and will make him proud. Carry on and don't be too hard on yourself about always trying to be in the moment, you're right, you are only human and we have emotions that sometimes won't let us be in the moment. But we can come back and make a difference. Happy New Year and may 2010 be generous to you in happiness and love.
Denise.
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